“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.