Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.