ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.