Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
you will never know the true number of layers
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Please do it!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets