COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?