My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Best mom ever 😂
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan