Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Cool shirt 🙂
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads