call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Hamburger Hinderer.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
emergency phone
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No