*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
You Might Also Like
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes