Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
necessity is the mother of invention
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.