[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.