Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Something Saturday.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them