Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh