this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
$3 #books
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no