DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Put this video in the Louvre
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My biological clock is wheezing.