Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.