are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
never deleting this app.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.