If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.