Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards