Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*puts cutlery down*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
This was the best day of my life
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.