Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
You Might Also Like
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
crazy
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves