4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…