Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
no regrets
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been