Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me :
All Day At Night
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.