Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!