Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Worth remembering.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.