When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.