I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
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People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
This meal prepping shit easy
Banana is the quietest snack
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?