I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Good point.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day