I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family