The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards