Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?