if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.