ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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waiting for halloween be like:
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Had an epiphany today.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down