[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Me trying to reach for my goals
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
This made me chuckle.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
…..pretty much.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My love language is deader than Latin
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.