When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You Might Also Like
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
sliding into dms like
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage