waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool