FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.