I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!