I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*