January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
That eye roll….
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.