I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Birds & Planes.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!