The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You Might Also Like
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.