My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
You Might Also Like
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
every. time.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.