Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
#Caturday
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined