Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
You Might Also Like
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Salad is the decaf of food.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”