My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You Might Also Like
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.