Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in