“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
respect
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you