Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.